Fantasy Island

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane is to put co-workers into odd stories and send them around to the few friends I have left.....

Paul Kashak—taking a break from the crashed car part business and touting the luxuriousness of "fine Corinthian leather" in car commercials—played Mr. Roarke, the man who could make wishes come true or dive headlong out of bushes, shouting Banzai! – whatever he felt like on the day. Helping in this task was John Oh as his equally strange, yet arousing, assistant Tattoo. Roarke, who appeared sinister in the series was a scheming meglomaniac and sexual predator, often disappearing into the bell tower with Tattoo to have his evil way with the little rascal. Mr. Roarke’s history was never revealed but it was always inferred that he liked the “little ones”. Neither the audience nor the visitors ever learned how Mr. Roarke came to be on the Island or through what power he was able to grant fantasies. This element added an underlying subtext that knowledge is not necessarily a good thing, as demonstrated by Tattoo’s inability to understand his Hewlett Packard calculator.

Supporting this theory was that the fantasies often ended with the realization that what the fantasizers had before their arrival was far more precious than that with which they left. A typical fantasy might have a young Italian man wishing he was tidier or an older, fatter man wishing to go back in time and reconnect with a lost love who he could have had a shag with, only to find that the fantasy still left something to be desired or led to more frenzied masturbation sessions.

I remember with such happiness, each episode opening with the diminutive Tattoo ringing a bell from that very bell tower, and yelling, "Da plane! Da plane!" This would signal Mr. Roarke to come out, and the two (always dressed in matching white tuxedoes) would banter back and forth

Mr. Roarke : “What type of underpants are you wearing Tattoo?”
Tattoo : “Da plane! Da plane!"
Mr. Roarke : “I’m going off to the store, what type of bagels should I buy Tattoo?”
Tattoo : “Da plane! Da plane!"
Mr. Roarke : “Tattoo, if I was to buy one woodworking tool, which should I choose?”
Tattoo : “Da plane! Da plane!"
Mr. Roarke : “Tattoo, how would I find the local axis system for a Stress 3.0 beam element?”
Tattoo : “Da plane! Da plane!"

And so on....

They would then greet their expectant guests as they deboarded the aircraft. While the guests were being given flowery garlands by the local slappers, Mr. Roarke would briefly explain to Tattoo (and the audience) what each person’s fantasy was. This would always conclude with Mr. Roarke's customary line, “Do you like my Hat?” and Tattoo lighting a fart.